Q. Do you know the difference between Chicago-style jazz and New Orleans-style jazz?
A. About a thousand miles!

Musicians have a great sense of humor. And so does Chicagoan Ken Nordine, the creator of Word Jazz, who would like to tell you about his "baby" as you read this. Just click on the above photo to hear Ken.

Ronald K. Marsh, another Chicagoan, was one of my listeners when I hosted the Saturday Swing Shift in Chicago about 20 years ago. He recently sent me the following musicians' jokes compiled by trombonist Bill O'Connor of Triton College in River Grove, Illinois.

New jokes will be added to the bottom of this web page. Just click on the "Conract Me" link to the left and send me your jokes.

Say, just how long is this page?

Q. What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A. A tattoo.

Q. What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What has three teeth and an I.Q. of 47?
A. The first four rows at a Marilyn Manson Concert.

Q. What is the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A. They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q. What is the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. What is the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A. About three decibels.

Q. What is the latest crime wave in New York City?
A. Drive-by trombone solos.

Q. What is the definition of a minor second interval?
A. Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.

Q. What is another term for trombone?
A. A wind-driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q. How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A. Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q. What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A. On or off.

Q. What is the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A. A bad oboist can kill you.

Q. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q. What is the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do people play trombone?
A. Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q. What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A. A music critic.

Q. Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A. Upward mobility.

Q. How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A. Put it in a viola case.

Q. What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A. You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q. What will you never say about a banjo player?
A. That's the banjo player's Porsche.

Q. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A. Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q. What is the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
A. Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q. What is the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A. You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q. How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A. Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q. What is the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A. "Music Minus One"

Q. What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A. Eleven pounds.

Q. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A. On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

A child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Glossary

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

Subito Piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Correct Grammar

"This is the kind of nonsense up with which I shall not put."
W. C. Fields

From one of my big band buddies in Australia, Denis Hollingsworth, who heard it from Paul Gibens, who heard it from John Pickworth, who heard it from....

A man walks into a Music City pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can write and arrange for small combos and groups up to 16 pieces," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1,500. It knows Jazz and Classical music. He can improvise or play technically difficult solos."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3,000," answers the store owner. "3,000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Band Leader."

Have you ever noticed that clergymen often have a great sense of humor?

Pastor Keith R. Snyder of the Copper Country Church of the Nazarene in Hancock, MI, asks:

Q. What do you call a banjo player at a music convention?
A. Lost.